Dream Cast: The Princess Bride

Surprise! I decided to make that fancast after all. 😉

Rachel's question got the ball rolling in my head, and pretty soon I realized that I did, in fact, want to assemble a full dream cast for a new adaptation of The Princess Bride.

For those of you who don't know, the original novel by William Goldman is my favorite book ever.  I do love the 1987 adaptation — not taking anything away from that film; it's wonderful — but it contains none (or virtually none) of the elements that make the book my G.O.A.T.  I don't fault the '87 for that; the themes that captivate me on the page would be tricky to translate to the screen.  (If you're curious, you can read a little more about what those themes are here.)

For that reason, my stance on a new adaptation has always been, "Probably not a great idea."  True, there's a lot of depth in the novel that the '87 adaptation did not preserve, but in light of how difficult it would be to preserve a lot of that depth, it does a pretty good job.  And, of course, it is almost flawlessly cast.  Moreover, it's such a cult classic and so ingrained into our collective cultural psyche that I doubt a new adaptation would have any real chance of being a success.  Viewer loyalty is too deeply tethered to Reiner's version.  (With good reason!  As I said, it's a fantastic film.)

But, as I mulled over the possibility of a new adaptation, I realized that I no longer felt quite as skeptical of the idea.  I started to feel that maybe, in the right hands, a fresh take could actually bring out more of the elements that make me love the book so deeply.  

Once I had Buttercup cast, we were off and rolling.  The rest of the cast filled in pretty quickly over the next few days, and now, finally, it's ready to share with you all.

Before I do so, however, a few logistics:

1.  This cast will be split up into two parts, to delineate the dual plotlines found in the novel.  First, there's the "embedded narrative," the cast of characters we all know and love from the 1987 film: Buttercup, Westley, Inigo, Humperdinck, etc.  But after that, there's the "real-world" narrative which surrounds and sometimes permeates the frame story of Buttercup and Westley:  the fictionalized characters of Bill Goldman, his father, his wife, and others.  

Yep, to all of you who have read the book and know what I'm talking about, we're going there.  Because guess what:  those "annoying italics"?  Those "stupid author interruptions" that you wish Goldman had left out because they "distract from the story"?

Joke's on you:  those are the story. 😛  Following that fragmented narrative thread will lead you straight to the actual Point of the novel, if you have the patience and curiosity to let it.  (But that's — sort of — a discussion for another day and I promise I won't spend too much time on it in this post. 😉)

So, yes, we will be including the plotline that follows young Billy as he hears "S. Morgenstern's classic" for the first time, experiences the impact it has on him from childhood through adulthood, attempts to pass it along to his own son, and ultimately embarks on the "abridgement" project that we as the readers are supposedly holding when we hold The Princess Bride.

2.  I've been pretty thorough with this.  There are a few very, very minor characters that I didn't bother to cast, but for the most part, if the character appears in the novel, the character appears in this cast.  Thus, as I'm sure you've probably already predicted, this is a long post. 😅

So, without further ado, here it is:  my ultimate wish-fulfillment ensemble cast for a new adaptation of my favorite book. 

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Embedded Narrative:  Buttercup & Co.

Buttercup

Florence Pugh

"Enough about my beauty," Buttercup said.  "Everybody always talks about how beautiful I am.  I've got a mind, Westley.  Talk about that."

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The idea that sparked this entire cast, I've only fallen more in love with it the more I think about it.  Florence Pugh would bring an entirely different perspective to the role of Buttercup, and I venture to say that it would be a better one.  

We already know from Outlaw King that she can pull off hair "the color of autumn," and we already know from all of her roles that she has an impressive emotional acting range.  She can do petulance and she can do pathos.  She can do humor and she can do heart.  She can do sweetness and she can do spunk.  All will be needed for Buttercup.

I can't think of a better candidate. 

Westley

Joe Alwyn

"It will all be happy at the end.  Consider:  a little over three years ago, you were a milkmaid and I was a farm boy.  Now you are almost a queen and I rule uncontested on the water.  Surely, such individuals were never intended to die in a Fire Swamp."

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Harry Richardson was actually a very close contender for this role as I was finalizing this cast.  I've seen more of his acting range, and he fits book-Westley's vibe very well.  However, I really can't imagine him with pale blond hair and eyes like the sea before a storm, so, since plenty of actors in Hollywood could fit those fairly basic physical characteristics, I decided to try to find one of those.

And I'm pretty happy with the idea of Alwyn portraying Westley.  I have no idea what his comedic skills are, but assuming that he has some, he also gives off an adequate (if different) set of Westley vibes.  So we'll go with it.

Inigo Montoya

Oscar Isaac

"Then let's look on the bright side:  we're having an adventure, Fezzik, and most people live and die without being as lucky as we are."

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Oscar Isaac doesn't actually look very much like my mental picture of Inigo, nor does he immediately give me all the Inigo vibes I could wish for, but at the same time I can't think of another actor who could as successfully tackle this iconic role.  With the right styling and directorial choices, I have full faith in his ability to deliver a stunning performance. 

Fezzik

Quinton Aaron

He was the mighty Fezzik, lover of rhymes, and you did not give up, no matter what.

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This man is Fezzik if I have ever seen him.  He's got the right build, and I know that he has the right personality from his work in The Blind Side.  Fezzik is a giant teddy bear who deserves the actual world, so Aaron would be the perfect fit.

Plus, I think he and Isaac would be iconic together.

Vizzini

Joe Lo Truglio

"The reason people think you're so stupid," the Sicilian said, "is because you are so stupid.  It has nothing to do with your drooling."

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Wallace Shawn was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. as Vizzini, and I really couldn't think of anyone else who would even approach that perfection.  But, since Shawn's performance can't be replicated, I'd like to see Lo Truglio give the role a try.  It would be different, for sure, but I think he could pull it off.  And he could work really well with Oscar Isaac and Quinton Aaron, to say nothing of Florence Pugh. 

Count Rugen

Robert Downey Jr.

"If my experiments are valid, my name will last beyond my body.  It's immortality I'm after, to be quite honest."

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Rugen is a delightful villain, and I have faith that Downey Jr. would give a delightful performance.  One of the reasons I'd love to see him cast in a potential remake is that book-Rugen is also genuinely funny, and Downey Jr. could strike the perfect balance between the Count's whimsical humor and his evil machinations. 

Prince Humperdinck

Hamish Clark

"I am your Prince and I'm not that bad — how could you rather be dead than married to me?"

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Now, is Clark a little too old to be playing Humperdinck?  Yes.  But I don't care.  I can see him in the role and I wasn't satisfied with any of the other actors that I was considering for the part.   So Clark it is. 😛

He could bring out Humperdinck's himbo humor while also convincingly portraying his chillingly violent tendencies. 

Domingo Montoya

Antonio Banderas

"You're an enemy of art and I pity your ignorance," Domingo said.

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I briefly considered nominating Mandy Patinkin to play Domingo, in honor of his massive contribution to the 1987 adaptation and as an homage to his own relationship with his late father.  I still think that would be cool, but upon further reflection I've decided that in order for a remake to be successful, it would probably be wisest to divorce it as completely as possible from the '87 version.

Additionally, I think that Banderas would genuinely be a better choice, because I believe he would more convincingly embody Domingo's trademark characteristics of intense passion, energy, and melodrama.

(Also, who does not want to see Antonio Banderas stare down Robert Downey Jr. while shouting, "You quibbled.  You haggled.  Art was involved and you saw only money"?  Come on.)

Yeste

Lin-Manuel Miranda

"God grant you your quota of smiles."

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Book-Yeste is older and heavier than Miranda, but I don't care.  He could bring Yeste energy, you guys, even if he couldn't bring Yeste looks.  And it would be fun to get to see him interact with Isaac and Banderas.

Young Inigo

Dean Scott Vazquez

"I, Inigo Montoya, do challenge you, coward, pig, killer, ass, fool, to battle."

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As is the case with most child actors who appear in my dream casts, I have no idea who this kid is and I literally had to search 'child actors' to find him, but he looks like baby Inigo and that is that. 

Fezzik's Father

Andre Braugher 

"It was in the right general direction," Fezzik's father managed.  "If only I'd been standing one yard farther west, it would have been perfect."

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No one really stuck out to me as a perfect fit for Fezzik's father, but if you have an opportunity to cast Raymond Holt Andre Braugher in a Princess Bride adaptation, why not do it?  That's what I say.

Fezzik's Mother

Ruth Negga 

"Life is pain," his mother said.  "Anybody that says different is selling something."

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(Did you know that that iconic line belongs to Fezzik's mother in the book, not to Westley?  Now you do.)

Again, as with Fezzik's father, I didn't have a ton to go on when casting his mother.  But I think Ruth Negga could evoke the subtle maternal grit that underlies the character's warmth and humor.

Young Fezzik

Dani Dare

"I thought I was [very strong]," Fezzik answered.  "Last year I hit a tree once when I was very mad.  I knocked it down.  It was a small tree, but still, I figured that had to mean something."

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This precious angel baby is bullied by other kids because he has gigantism and precocious puberty, and he won't even defend himself because he knows that he's abnormally strong and could cause them serious bodily harm if he did.  HE DESERVES ALL THE HUGS AND RHYMING BOOKS THAT HE WANTS, OKAY???

Miracle Max

Tony Shalhoub

" . . . Because, I don't have to tell you, once you get a corpse really caught up in conversation, your battle's half over."

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There are plenty of actors who could offer a satisfactory Max performance, but I think Shalhoub could evoke Max's long-suffering, anxious, antsy energy as well as any of them. 

Valerie

Andrea Martin 

"An hour pill should be about right," Valerie said.  "Either it's going to be plenty or you'll both be dead, so why not say an hour?"

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After years of fond memories of Martin's turn as Voula in the My Big Fat Greek Wedding movies, I'd absolutely love to see her in this role.  She and Shalhoub would be a riot together, and I could easily see her as the warm, zany Valerie.

Yellin

Dax Shepard

"The Chief of All Enforcement in Florin City, accompanied by Brutes," Yellin replied.  Completeness was one of his virtues.

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Shepard is too tall for Yellin, but he would bring frenetic, crazy-eyed, nervous energy to the role, and that's enough for me. 😂

Zoo Keeper

Dennis Hurley

"I've seen the Machine.  I was there when the wild dog screamed.  Please let me kill you."

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A minor role, but one that deserves some screen time.  I don't know anything about this guy, but I wanted an actor who actually has albinism, and the fact that one could reasonably believe that he was distantly related to Dax Shepard is a plus.  (Yellin and the Zookeeper are cousins.)

Queen Bella

Julia McKenzie 

Queen Bella was shaped like a gumdrop.  And colored like a raspberry.  She was easily the most beloved person in the kingdom, and had been married to the King long before he began mumbling.

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Jane Lynch had been my original choice for Queen Bella, but I forgot that she's supposed to be tiny and whimsical ("shaped like a gumdrop" and all that).  As it is, I think that McKenzie is probably a little too old now, so Lynch would probably still be my ultimate pick.  But on the off chance that McKenzie is still acting and can be made to look like a petite little queen straight out of a children's picture book, I think she would be great.

King Lotharon

Jonathan Pryce

He was always belated now, had been for years, and in the past people had been known to starve before he got there.  But of late, meals just began without him, which was fine with him, since his new miracle man had taken him off meals anyway.

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King Lotharon is given nothing to do in the book except look frail and mumble, but he is still A Presence and therefore must be accounted for.  Jonathan Pryce will fit the bill.

Archdeacon

Mel Brooks

"Mawidge," he said.  "Very old."  Unless you paid strict attention to his title and past accomplishments, it was very hard to take him seriously.

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Several younger comedic actors could, no doubt, run wild with this role, but I like the idea of an actually old and beloved comedy icon making a cameo.  I'm sure Brooks would be up for it. 😉

Buttercup's Mother

Emily Blunt

"Rest, then," her mother cautioned.  "Terrible things can happen when you're overtired.  I was overtired the night your father proposed."

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Emily Blunt is an absolute Queen™ and I want to see her deliver all the acerbic little zingers that Buttercup's mom gives out.  Especially because the role requires some sweetness along with the sass, and that is a juxtaposition at which Blunt excels.

(Plus, I feel like she could be reasonably believable as Florence Pugh's mother?)

Buttercup's Father

John Krasinski

"You look; you know how" was all he replied.  (This was their thirty-third spat of the day — this was long after spats — and he was behind, thirteen to twenty, but he had made up a lot of distance since lunch, when it was seventeen to two against him.)

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Also, it would mean that John Krasinski could play opposite her as Buttercup's father, and seeing the two of them onscreen in these roles would be worth the price of admission.  Yeah, neither of them fits the book's descriptions very well, but their personalities would more than make up for that. 

Countess Rugen

Chelsea Peretti

"I have seen bare chests before," the Countess replied.

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Peretti's deadpan delivery would be perfect for this scene.  The Countess gives off strong Gina Linetti vibes, and casting Peretti would ensure that her brief appearance would be a memorable one.  (Plus, she and Downey Jr. together?  Get out of here.)

Princess Noreena

Rebel Wilson

"Hourglassish.  Always clothed divineishly.  And, of course, famous throughout Guilder for the largest hat collection in the world."

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Truthfully, it wouldn't be necessary to include Princess Noreena in an adaptation:  her role is so minimal (she never even speaks) and has no real impact on the story that couldn't be convincingly explained in a different way.  But, should The Powers That Be choose to include that brief tidbit of a subplot (which I certainly wouldn't mind), then I think Rebel Wilson or Mackenzie Davis should play Noreena.  I settled on Rebel for this post because she's more age-appropriate to play opposite Hamish Clark.

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"Real-World" Narrative:  Billy & Co.

Adult Bill Goldman

John Mulaney

I'm not trying to make this a downer, understand.  I mean, I really do think that love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops.  But I also have to say, for the umpty-umpth time, that life isn't fair.  It's just fairer than death, that's all.

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OKAY, HEAR ME OUT.

Mulaney's brand of comedy is not the same as Goldman's.  However, he's the only person I can think of who might be able to capture the particular brand of angst that Goldman ascribes to his fictionalized doppelgänger.  Book Billy is such a subtly tragic blend of anxiety, affection, insecurity, and morbid humor that accurately portraying him would require both a considerable command of acting as a craft and an empathy with the character born out of personal experience.  I don't know what Mulaney's dramatic skills are, but, to be honest, he reminds me a bit of the character, and I'd like to see him attempt the role. 

Young Bill Goldman

Tyler Wladis

". . . What did you read me this thing for?" and I buried my head in my pillow and I never cried like that again, not once to this day.

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As another critically important player, young Billy would require some serious acting chops as well.  I've only seen Tyler Wladis in one (mainly comedic) role, but he fits my mental image of young Billy, and he would be believable as a younger John Mulaney, so he's got my vote. 

Bill's Father

Steve Carrell

"Hunters," my father was saying now.  "Bad men.  Good men.  Beautifulest ladies."  He was camped in my cranium, hunched over, bald and squinting, trying to read, trying to please, trying to keep his son alive and the wolves away.

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Bill's father is also crucial to the "real story," and I like the idea of Steve Carrell portraying him.  He could breeze through the funny bits, obviously, but the role would also give him a chance to showcase some of his genuine dramatic talent.

Helen Goldman

Anna Kendrick

Nothing drives me crazier than when Helen does that.  Because, see, with this horrible psychiatrist background of hers, she only accuses me of hiding things from her when I'm hiding things from her.

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I like Helen a lot and I think Anna Kendrick would play her beautifully.  Whip-smart, tough, compassionate, witty — she'd be the perfect fit.

Jason Goldman

Archie Yates

"I didn't like it, Dad.  I wanted to."

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Jason kind of gets the short end of the stick in the book — his father projects his own issues onto him and criticizes him about his weight a lot and that's Real Gross Behavior, Mr. Goldman, So Kindly Get Your Crap Together — but I hope that, eventually, he's able to grow up happy and secure in his own worth.  (Preferably with a father who has mended his aforementioned Behavior.  Ahem.)

Miss Roginski

Hayley Atwell

"Idiot.  Not even the immortal S. Morgenstern could feel more parental than I."

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Atwell doesn't fit the book's physical description of Miss Roginski, but she's the actress I'd like for the role, so deal with it.  I mean, come on:  can't you imagine her as a long-suffering, Slightly Sassy elementary school teacher?  I certainly can.

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There you have it!  I really enjoyed working on this project, and if you think it put me in the mood to reread the novel for the fifteenth time, then you're absolutely correct.  That is exactly what I plan to do. 😜

Now I want to hear from you!  

What do you think of my casting?  

Who would you cast differently?