"You're the darndest girl, Liz!"
A number of weeks ago, I was in an odd emotional funk. Y'see, as I've mentioned before, I am an INFJ. I suspect I've even mildly irked some of you by carrying on long conversations with fellow INFJs in the comments. But the reason we INFJs cling so tenaciously to our "label" is, as I read somewhere, that it feels SO good to finally understand why we are the way we are. Because trust me, we spend a lot of time trying to unravel the intricacies of our personalities, and when we get that test result on Myers-Briggs and read the description that describes us--in almost every particular--so uncannily well, we are finally able to think, "This is it! This is why I am the way I am! SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS."
Since I have a strange personality (well, really, who doesn't?) that even I don't anywhere close to fully understand, I often feel, oh, how to put this…chronically misunderstood.
By nearly everybody I know.
Since I have a strange personality (well, really, who doesn't?) that even I don't anywhere close to fully understand, I often feel, oh, how to put this…chronically misunderstood.
By nearly everybody I know.
Yes, go ahead. Pity me;)
No, really, I do think that my thoughts, actions, and motives are often rather misconstrued, and that is annoying.
But a number of weeks ago I let it all go way too far. (I'd known my INFJ results for a number of months, and I'm not entirely sure what got me started on this negative thinking recently.) I started resenting the fact that more people, at least from what I thought, "didn't even try to understand me." I began to bemoan my "trial" to my mother to a perfectly ridiculous extent. "I AM SICK AND TIRED OF NOBODY UNDERSTANDING ME. YOU AND GOD ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO UNDERSTAND MEEEEEEEEEE!"
(Yeah, I think I did actually say that verbatim a couple of times. I already admitted this was not my best moment ;-P)
The problem, plain and simple, was that I had slid into self-pity. More succinctly, the plain-and-simple problem was that I had become hugely self-focused. Of course, as a human being, I'm naturally selfish, but thankfully the Lord gives us grace from the day to day. But a few weeks ago, I decided to feel injured by something I had worked up out of nothing. Starting with the fact that my personality traits are rather complex, I exaggerated that to mean that nobody truly understood me except for my mother and my God, and what was worse in my mind, I imagined that nobody even exerted themselves to try and understand me better--perhaps they were actually deliberately misunderstanding me for their own mischievous ends! What could be more logical, right?!
(It was a funk. It has passed.)
Because I felt misunderstood, I decided that I was. I decided to victimize myself, something I've been trying to guard against for quite a while. And yes, I might be, by some people and in different areas, not crystal-clearly known.
And then I realized something. A few things, actually.
So what if I am a little misunderstood? (Wow, I am overusing that word something dreadful, aren't I?) It's extremely likely that if that is the case, those around me aren't exactly trying to do it. They probably do try to understand me, as my mother tactfully tried to point out to me. However much it may feel like it at times, there is most likely not a mastermind plot out there to Misread Olivia. Even if my friends and family do miscalculate me sometimes, they do love me. They are good to me. They are considerate. And I can't accuse them of attempting to take advantage of me or ridicule me--I know, I know, my mind is a farfetched place--just because my spoiled little self has decided to have an ego crisis.
Is this post making any sense at all? I feel like I'm rambling horrifically.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: I don't need to be so self-focused as to make misjudging my personality a Capital Crime, or a personal attack against me. I really don't even need to think about whether I'm understood by my general acquaintance or not. I shouldn't, what's more. I am who I am, and more importantly, I can be who Christ will make me. Jesus is still sanctifying me, Heaven knows, and apparently He won't be finished "'til He returns, or calls me Home". And in the meantime, I think He wants me to stop nitpicking the Olivia He made me, and I'm pretty darn sure He wants me to stop obsessing over what others think of me.
Really, what drives this overwhelming infatuation with being understood by those around me? Why is it so important to me? I mean, it's important to everybody, but there's got to be a limit!
Yes, as Francesca Battistelli so catchily reminds me, I am free to be me on His shoulders.
I can choose to antisocially read in the midst of social gatherings, yet be constantly distracted by the conversations going on around me (and I may or may not mildly judge the participants while doing so).
I can take a moment in the midst of reading chemistry to ponder about "the origin of life and the universe." I can "stare dramatically off into the middle distance" for no apparent reason.
I can read The Princess Bride and Ivanhoe a copious amount of times. I can be too intimidated to start Anna Karenina in the middle of the school year. I can be equally excited about Star Wars and Wives and Daughters.
I can be my weird, insecure, generally happy INFJ self.
But I don't have to be a narcissist about it.
Aww, Olivia, I'm sorry you went through a hard time, but I'm glad you came out for the better. :) I'm an ENFJ, and I sometimes wonder why so few people understand me. ;) I think most people feel like that too, at least at some point. To be honest, at the moment, I feel as though if I'm living my life for the Lord, and doing my best, I have no reason to worry what people think of me. That might also partially be because I'm about to go on holidays for 2 weeks tomorrow and I'm so happy I don't care about what people think, but I believe I'd still feel the same anyway. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, and by the way, that Sherlock gif = perfection. :D I often do that pose, it makes me feel so wise and smart. ;P But then, after watching Sherlock, I always like to try and deduct things and study people and pretend I totally know what I'm doing. ;P
And CINDERELLA..... <3
Thanks for the post, Olivia. I could relate to it. :)
~Miss Meg
Oh, another point I forgot to make. You mentioned at the beginning how everyone has a strange personality, which I think is very true. ;) I've heard INTJs make up 1% of the female population, and my personality type (ENFJ) makes up 2% of the entire population (apparently) and I know there are so many different types....it's amazing how people can be so different. :) It's such an overwhelming thought, that God could make people so different and have so many personalities and characters and such. Another wonderful aspect of God's creation. :D
Delete~Meg
Thanks so much, Meg! That's so great! Good for you to trust the Lord and just EMBRACE WHO HE MADE YOU. That's the best way;)
DeleteIsn't it the best?! :D I know, I always try to do that too;-P
YESH <3 Thanks for your comment! It made me happy :)
*fellow INFJ stares dramatically into the middle distance while contemplating how to properly respond to this post*
ReplyDeleteReally, this was very, VERY thoughtful and thought-provoking. I'm so glad I read it. You make such a good point--yeah, we all WANT to be understood, but we can't obsess over it or we'll just make ourselves unhappy. (I think I do that quite a bit myself ;) )
I do understand how you feel, though--as I'm sure you know, my fellow INFJ :) It can be pretty tough to be THIS different from most other folks you meet! But the main thing to remember is, it's nobody's fault. It's not your fault--and it's not their fault, either! It's more like a . . . Statistical Accident. We just DO happen to be the rarest type, and that's that. Okay, it's actually not an accident, since God is the one Who made all of us. I guess He must've just decided he wants it this way . . .
The other thing that helps me when I'm feeling "misunderstood" is to remember that, as an INFJ, I happen to be naturally empathetic and "tuned in" to other people's feelings and emotions--but not everybody else is the same way! So if it SEEMS to me that someone is just "not trying" to understand me, I have to remind myself that understanding people's feelings may not be their natural gift in the first place. Maybe they're an ISTJ and they're really much more interested in making sure all the clocks are set properly and all the trains are running on time. And that's totally okay--God gave them other talents (talents I certainly don't have) and that's cool with me. :)
Thank you soooo much, Jessica!
DeleteYes, I know how you feel, my dear INFJ buddy!:D Exactly, it is totally NOT anybody's fault, and I can't penalize them just 'cause I'M feeling "injured." Amen, sista! God made us ALL the way He did for a reason! (Wow. That sounded cheesy.)
Ahh, that's a really good point! I hadn't thought much about it that way. Thanks! I should mull over that for a time…:)
That's one of the biggest things I've gotten out of studying the Myers-Briggs--realizing that the way I am is NOT the only way to be, or even the only "right" way! There are all KINDS of ways of seeing/feeling/reacting/understanding, and God designed them all for a reason. I never really understood that before. I kind of assumed (unconsciously) that everybody else was basically like me--and then I couldn't figure out why they didn't always act the way *I* thought they should. Now I know better :)
DeleteYes! It's so good to recognize that! :)
DeleteI think I also have it a lot easier than I otherwise would, because my mom and my sister Rosie both happen to be INTJs. Female INTJs are an even smaller percentage of the total population than female INFJs are, so they both understand TOTALLY how I feel about being "different."
ReplyDeletePlus, the INTJ and the INFJ are quite similar in a lot of ways; so we have a bunch in common. I actually never realized how "intuitive" I really was until I started researching Myers-Briggs, because with having a mom and a sister who are also super-super-intuitive, I thought that was just normal and that's how EVERYONE thought/acted. Guess not ;)
My older sister is an INTJ so I totally know what you are talking about!!
DeleteYeah, I'm really grateful for my mom and my sister because even when other people don't understand me, THEY almost always do. It's a huge blessing :)
DeleteYes! I'm sure that makes it easier; aren't mothers the BEST?! I'm so glad both of our mothers seem to be real helpmeets for us.
DeleteHaha! That's awesome;)
That's cool, Bailey! Wait, which one are you? I don't think I've ever asked...
Oh my goodness this was such a coincidence, last night I just randomly decided to take the Myers Briggs again to see if I was still an infj and I was :) I SO related to this post!! Sometimes I read your posts and just think that you and me are so similar ;) just thought I'd mention it.
ReplyDelete-JH
That's a good idea, JH! Maybe I should do that again…I'm so glad! Eeeeeep, yes, I found this pin on your Pinterest that was about INFJ characteristics and it was so relatable :D I think we're really similar too!
DeleteGood for you! It is so easy to become self-focused, and I know the entire human race is guilty of it. It's interesting how being self-focused is not the same as undergoing self-examination. I do the latter semi-regularly, trying to determine my motivations behind certain choices or behavior, asking the Lord for wisdom to reveal my flaws and help me move on. Because the last thing in the world I really want to be is selfish, but without the Lord's guidance, I'm all about, well, me, when He wants me to be so much more. Be and love yourself as the woman that God sees and loves. :)
ReplyDeleteIt definitely is, Carissa! (Interesting, I mean.) Yes, self-examination is very important, but I guess it's just easy for me to become self-focused while THINKING I'm just examining myself/others. Yes, with God we will gain the victory! Aww, thank you so much! :)
DeleteI feel utterly ignorant asking this.. But what specifically is an INFJ? I was wondering becuase I often feel so different from other people in regards to how deeply I feel, and how I process scenarios, and make up my mind. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI just recently took the quiz, and found out that I to an an INFJ.. I had expected it, and it's so nice to find other people who relate to me.
DeleteI always make problems into something bigger then they really are, and then spend ages trying to get myself out of them. I dream big, and feel deeply, and these traits affect me to the very deepest parts of my soul. I feel like I'm the only one who gets emotional and indecisive about situations other people breeze by. I constantly have to remind myself to NOT try to figure everything out in my head. That it's okay to not have yourself figured out. The Lord has a plan, and has the answers, and he will give them to me in due time, at the right time. All I have to do is wait on him, and trust him Although sometimes it is pretty darn hard to shove all those arguments and ideas and worries out of your head, and just LIVE. Any way, I relate to you so much!
And that Henry Tilney book reading gif.. So adorable! I always do that at family gatherings.. I TRY to read, and end up hearing everybody else's conversations, and end up silently judging them!
Oh! You're an INFJ too, Abby! Yes, when I got the first comment I figured you would probably be one, based on what you said.
DeleteYes, I completely understand. Especially the feeling deeply part. Do you find yourself daydreaming a lot? I do. Thank you so much for telling me, it makes me happy to know that you're an INFJ too :D Yes, the Lord DOES have the answers, and He will be faithful to reveal them to us. And yes, it CAN be so hard, can't it?
I know. It's adorbs :D YES!!! "Ending up hearing everybody else's conversations, and ending up silently judging them"--my life.
Yes, I day dream ever so much!! About everything.. About my future, my fandoms, Narnia; anything and everything! I also talk to myself. All. The. Time. Ever since I was little, I would talk to my imaginary friends, or imagine people I wanted to meet were there with me.. You should hear me when I walk the dog.. :)
DeleteI talk to myself, too! Like, I do it more than ANYBODY ELSE I'VE EVER MET and I used to wonder if I was "weird" and should try to cut it out. But I can't stop. It's just a part of who I am. And I've since discovered that I'm not alone--other people do these things, too! That's one reason why I love Olivia's blog, because so many other INFJs hang out here and it's kind of like "Kindred Spirit Central." If ya know what I mean :)
DeleteJessica: absolutely! I find it interesting how so many INFJ's blog!
DeleteI always feel weird about talking to myself to, and I always think I must stop... But I can't help it, I love talking to myself. How else would I learn how to talk with a scottish accent, or recite whole pages of Narnia? It's a good thing. :)
It is, indeed! I use it for working out dialogue in my stories and it really helps.
DeleteYES!!! Do you guys have conversations with people when they're not with you? All the stinkin' time.
DeleteOh, and Jessica, what you mentioned about my blog...<3 That made me so happy. Thank you :)
ARE YOU KIDDING? I have "conversations" with people who aren't actually with me ALL THE TIME. I used to wonder if I was nuts. Now I know, though--I'm not nuts, I'm just a completely normal INFJ ;)
DeleteAwwww . . . you're welcome! :)
YES!!! Haha, I still sometimes feel a bit sheepish about it, but it passes, and no doubt, sooner than it should ;)
DeleteSuch a wonderful post, Olivia! I think we all get the feeling that no one understands us at some point or another, although INFJs prooobably tend to feel like that more than others. (I'm also an INFJ so I completely understand this.) But, as you said, we shouldn't focus on how others perceive us but should instead focus on how wonderful God has made us. And "on God's shoulders, I can see I'm free to be me." (Don't you just love how Francesca's songs really touch your heart?)
ReplyDeleteAgain, great post! (And CINDERELLA! <3)
Thank you, Mary! Another INFJ? *high-five* True, true. God's got us. (Yes, they're really good. She's great;D)
DeleteThanks again! (CINDERELLA!!!)
JUST.....YES. That's pretty much all I got to say.
ReplyDelete(Except I understand -- more than you know.)
(I don't have to be understood by everyone -- God understands, and sometimes it's in the midst of my little pity-party that He decides to throw something wonderful and beautiful at me to restore my faith in humanity and give me courage.)
(And also this post got at me to write something that's been gnawing at me for a while.)
(And that Franny B song and I go waaaaayyy back.)
(And I'm glad to have you as my friend.) :-)
~Emma
Emma, your comment made me so happy. I thank you for it:) And I'm glad to have you as my friend, too!
DeleteI loved this. So much. :-) I often feel 'misunderstood', too, but then probably everyone does now and then. It's part of being that Thing Called Human. God is AMAZING. He always understands!
ReplyDeleteI've told ya before, dear gal, but you DO write well. :-)
~ Naomi
I'm so glad, Naomi! Yep, most likely everyone does from time to time. "that Thing Called Human"--love that;) YES!
Delete*blushes* Goodness, THANK YOU!:D
Awww, this is good!
ReplyDeleteI don't feel misunderstood terribly often, just WEIRD sometimes. Now, as you've likely seen, this is partially inflicted. I'm the first to call myself that, along with geeky and nerdy.
But the thing is I like being a nerd. I LOVE having a blog and a notebook overflowing with geeky reflections, and two bookshelves in my room and a red and black fish named Hugo. :D
The only problem is that sometimes all this geekiness and nerdiness and weirdness catch up to me, and I begin to feel out of place in "the real world". So, all this to say: thank you for a post to remind me that it's okay to be different and simply accept the way God's made me. : )
And personally, most of the time it's waaay more fun than "normal". ;)
Oh, I knew if I read my comment again I'd find a typo!
Delete"self-inflicted" not "inflicted" :)
Thank you!!
DeleteHaha, you're right, Meredith--nerdy is great;) (I'm still not over your red-and-black fish named Hugo, btw.)
Aww, you're welcome! Thank YOU so much for commenting;)
Yes! It's like that quote from Soul Surfer: "Normal is SO overrated."
Oh oh oh! This was so thoughtful and well-written! Not rambling at all. I really liked reading it. "Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high." JUST YES. I love that quote!
ReplyDeleteI've definitely felt this way, as I am an INTJ. Misunderstood, and all that. But it never makes me happy. What makes me happy is just BEING ME. And realizing that when people don't "understand" me, it's not like they're trying to hurt me or anything.
Thanks so much for this, Olivia :)
Thank you so much, Rosie! ISN'T THAT QUOTE THE BEST. It's one of my faaaaaaaaaaavorites ever:)
DeleteI thought you might! I just saw a picture the other day on Pinterest about INTJs, and it was beautiful:) Yes! You're so right!
You're welcome!:D (Oh, by the way, ESMERALDA.)
YES :) I must remember it, it's awesome!
DeleteI KNOW, Esmeralda. I wanted to change my picture and I thought of her and then - well, there was no going back :)
Esmeralda--well, really, anything related to that movie--is EPIC ;)
DeleteThis post felt really honest and relatable. I myself have sometimes slipped into a similar frame of mind. It can be so difficult (but necessary) to reject our own thoughts of what we think is true, and instead turn to God.
ReplyDeleteThese kinds of posts always make me all warm and fuzzy. As I've scrolled through the comment section, I'm seeing a lot of "I relate to this." and "I've felt this way too." Even when we feel alone and like no one truly is understanding us, there are those who have felt those kinds of feelings before, and gotten through it, and reached a place of peace and happiness once more.
It's so easy to do that, isn't it, Laura? And so hard to "lean not on our own understanding."
DeleteAww, I'm so glad! Thanks so much for your comment, Laura--your comments are always so lovely :D
I am an INFP, but I completely understood waht you are talking about. I have felt similar to this quite often. Plus I am a middle child. 6 of 12.
ReplyDelete(Oops, you already told me which one you are and I asked again in an earlier comment. You can just ignore that;-P)
DeleteI'm glad all of you can relate! 6 of 12? That's cool! I'm the fifth of six, so I'm one of the younger ones, but still.
Oops!!!
DeleteOh believe me....it isn't always cool!!
And I tagged you for a Christmas Tag over on my blog.
I can imagine!
DeleteThanks so much! But I think I'm going to pass on the tag, just because I've had so many tags and I don't want to try and catch up with it all (I'm going to explain it in a post).
I've been thinking a lot about sanctification recently, so that sentence really struck me. Thank you for your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's cool that we were both thinking about sanctification. Thank YOU for your comment!
DeleteI'm also an INFJ, it was so very strange when I first found out. I have known for almost a year now. It was very unsettling to see me so thoroughly analyzed and explained!
ReplyDeleteBut all that being said, since that time, I have struggled the same way as you have. I have my own 'funks' where I spend far to much time in my own head. It's like as soon as I understood myself I couldn't avoid seeing it manifest in every aspect of my life. Do you understand? The personality and the way my mind works is very overwhelming at times. Struggling with feeling a sense of loneliness is certainly a hazard that I fight. I have spent quite a bit of time on my knees about it. The Lord understands which is a marvelous comfort to me! My mom is also a good anchor for me, much like yours it would appear. :) She notices, sometimes before I do, when I am starting to descend into one of my funks so that she can help check me. :D
And even after all of that, I am still amazed at how the Lord is able to know all of us and give us joy everyday, if we only look for it. So as frustrating as I may feel by not being 'understood' at times, I know that there is One, and He understands and would want me to be happy!
Thank you for your post, and honesty!
~Cordy
That's so cool, Cordy! Eeeeek, I'm meeting all these fellow INFJs! It's awesome :)
DeleteI SO understand. I'm glad I learned my Myers-Briggs results, but at the same time, I've used them as an excuse to throw a pity party far too often. Yes! Praise the Lord for His understanding, and for His giving us understanding mothers!;))
AMEN.
You're so welcome! Thank you for your comment; it's so nice to know that someone else had the INFJ description sort of "take over" aspects of their life for a bit.
"Really, what drives this overwhelming infatuation with being understood by those around me?" You know, I've wondered about that, too. I think the desire to be known and understood is something deeply rooted in all human beings, and that it stems from that unquenchable longing after our Creator. We feel the separation from Him who knows us fully, and thus we're never satisfied with the small amount of understanding which we get from each other. That's how I see it anyway.
ReplyDeleteI am not an INFJ, so I don't fully understand why you feel so different from other people, but honestly, I could relate to pretty much everything you wrote in this post--falling into self-pity, assuming that people don't even TRY to understand you, "deciding to feel injured by something you've worked up out of nothing". I do that, too. All personalities are different, of course, but they don't have to be a barrier between understanding one another if we're willing to bridge the gap and listen to why others think and act the way they do. It's helpful to have an understanding of one's personality, but don't let that define you. You're more than just your personality. For example, my personality is naturally shy. I do not like to initiate conversations and I'm horrible at going up to people and introducing myself. But that does not mean that I shouldn't initiate conversations and push myself to be friendly. I can't hide behind my personality and make excuses for myself simply because "that's the way I am." So please, just because you're personality type is said to be rare and perhaps largely misunderstood, don't take that as an absolute. You're Olivia. And I believe there are a lot more people who are able to understand you than you think. "Starting with the fact that my personality traits are rather complex, I exaggerated that to mean that nobody truly understood me except for my mother and my God..." Yes, exactly. That's what I mean. Don't exaggerate it into being a problem when it doesn't have to be. :) (You said it best, yourself. Why do I even try? Haha!)
You made so many good points in this post, I can't cover them all, but I just have to say that I really admire you for the way that you learn from your struggles and point yourself back to the truth. And then how you're so kind as to share those things with the rest of us. Because we all have struggles and your insights are very helpful to many people, I'm sure.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is: I don't need to be so self-focused as to make misjudging my personality a Capital Crime, or a personal attack against me." "I am who I am, and more importantly, I can be who Christ will make me." Yes. Yes. Yes. That is so true. It's not a personal attack against you. It's not. And absolutely! Being who Christ will make you is all that really matters. People don't have to understand it. After all, they didn't understand Christ, either. (And you have way too many good quotes in this post! :))
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Olivia. Keep pressing on. God's going to do marvelous things in your life.
~Miss March
Miss March, thank you for your comment. Your comments are always so kind and encouraging, and I truly appreciate how you always take the time to care about what I have to say. So thank you :)
DeleteGood point! That probably is why we long so to be understood. Our souls need the Lord, and try as we might, they cannot be FULLY satisfied without Him.
"I can't hide behind my personality and make excuses for myself simply because 'that's the way I am.'" YES AMEN. I'm guilty of that SOOOO often. But He gives us the victory, no?:) Thank you so much! I so appreciate that.
Aww, thank you! *blushes* Thank you so much!!! Your dedication to the Lord and to reaching out to others have really impacted me, too.
Yes! Who Christ WILL make me, and who I AM now, are two very different people (one would hope, hehe). Thanks so much!!!!
Thank YOU. Your comment meant so much to me.
A really good and deep post, Olivia.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you've been feeling misunderstood, but I think it very brave of you to share your thoughts with the rest of us.
Self pity sure is a slippery slope and it is easy to completely drown in it - I've been there several times myself. When I felt like no one understood me it was always a great comfort that at least God would always know and understand how I felt.
But you've reached a really good conclusion. Sometimes you just have to be yourself and like it, no matter what people say.
(And by the way, bringing books to social events is a completely rational thing to do - how many times have I wished for a book at such times)
Thank you so much, Rose! I really appreciate that.
DeleteYes! It's encouraging to be surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses :)
Haha, I'm glad you agree! ;)
Wow. I don't know what I could POSSIBLY say that hasn't already been said by everyone else! :D But this was a great post, Olivia. I really admire how truly honest and open you are in your posts!
ReplyDeleteI too can struggle with feeling misunderstood sometimes. Especially with people who don't know me as well--sometimes I get to know someone and in the back of my mind I think "but they don't the 'real' me" because I tend to be rather quiet and not-ready-to-share-my-thoughts in social settings.
So, I sometimes get the feeling that people might have a mistaken perception about me. But, I also know I tend to worry way too much about what other people think of me. Definitely one of my problem areas that I'm always trying to work on with God's help. ;)
Thank you so much for sharing this with us!!
Thanks, Natalie! You're too kind ;)
DeleteAbsolutely. Or sometimes, I'm usually quiet, but I feel the need to "be outgoing" around some people, and then I think they probably don't understand me...weird...
You and me both, sista. Praise God that He is always ready to help us!
Thank YOU so much for your comment! :)
Haha, YES, exactly!!
DeleteIndeed! He's always there for us. :)
And aw, your welcome. <3
ps. Your new header!! So pretty!! :D
:D Aww, thanks! I'm so glad you like it! :)
Delete